As you all know (or you know if you've read my other blogs), I recently had a baby girl, Maggie. She's three months now and is honestly an incredibly easy and sweet baby. I'm lucky that she eats well, sleeps mostly well, and is wonderfully average in almost every way. I think anyone who has a baby can understand my excitement that my baby is average. I don't ever want a doctor to say "Well that's unusual." If she can just ride the meaty part of the bell curve for a while, that's ideal. With all that being said, even for a very normal and sweet baby, plus an above-average support system, trying to find time to work on my writing is still incredibly difficult.
Even before having a baby, I found it hard to find time to write. Although I will admit that before it was often due to lack of motivation or procrastination. Oh how spoiled I was to just think, "I don't feel like working on my novel right now." What I would do to have that kind of free time now. No, now I have to steal away hours, or minutes, here and there just to get a few sentences down. As I'm writing this, Maggie is napping, though every time she stirs I hold my breath a little and pray she doesn't wake up yet.
I'm luckier than a lot of people because I have an incredibly supportive family and partner. They've always championed my writing aspirations and even now, they all try to help me find time to write. My husband works four days a week and on his days off he's always happy to have one-on-one time with mags so I can write. The problem is that sometimes I don't want to have to step away from them to go sit in a room alone and agonize over every word in my edits. It's hard to walk away and seclude myself in the office when I can hear them laughing and Michael cheering her on as she learns to roll over. I hate missing those precious moments with my family.
On Fridays, when Michael works, I'm lucky to have my godmother come and watch Maggie so I can write some, but even then it's hard to focus at times. The words on the page are only half as interesting as watching my baby smile. I'm so thankful for everyone who is helping me by giving me time to prioritize my work, and if I'm being totally honest, sometimes I feel like I'm letting them down by not valuing that time enough. Like I'm not working hard enough during that stolen time because I'd rather be with them, making memories.
I've heard it for my whole life, the guilt of a working parent, especially a mother. I always thought of my writing as work, because I take it seriously, but I never really thought of it as the kind of work that takes me away from things. I write at home, in my office, so I'm always present for a quick joke, or phone call. I could spend time playing around and then go back to writing when I felt like it. Not anymore though.
Some parents say that their children are the greatest things they've ever done. I understand that, and often feel that way about Maggie, but then I remember my novel. The one I've been working on for ten years, and dreamed about long before that. I think about the four years of undergrad and the two and half years of grad school, always building towards the moment when I could pick up my book in a bookstore. I know that children change everything, and I am so in love with my daughter. I just don't want to forget about my first love either.
It's going to take some rewiring of my brain for me to refocus on my writing. I need to focus on those precious moments my family provides me, not worrying about missing a small moment with Maggie. I need to let go of the guilt of closing myself off in my office to be selfish and give my full attention to my words. I know so many other parents feel this same division of priorities every day. My husband feels it when he has to leave and go to work, yet somehow that feels like a necessity, and working on my writing feels like a choice. It isn't like I'm doing it to provide for my family, I know I most likely won't make money as a writer, and yet... it is a necessity because it's a part of me. Sometimes I need help remembering that. My writing is a part of me as much as Maggie is. It deserves to be made a priority too.
So, my goal is to finish the last few chapters of my novel edits, and query agents, and remember that even though Maggie is the best thing I've ever made right now, someday she'll be proud seeing my books and knowing I'm capable of making more.
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